Thursday, May 20, 2010

Why don't we ever believe ourselves

#993 - Worn Me Down :: Rachael Yamagata

“Worn me down to my knees,
I did anything to please,
but you can’t stop thinking about her.”

To live in the shadow of someone else’s past love is one of the roughest roads to traverse upon when in a relationship. It is a constant competition, even if unspoken, to somehow come out ahead, and to finally overtake the memory of a ghost of a girl (or boy) who still haunts the one who holds your hand now.

It is exhausting. It is emotionally brutal. And, it does wear you down.

I did it once, for awhile, with someone who meant the world to me. I think I knew it going in, too - actually I know I knew it. The consequence of being a friend first, I suppose. But I think I played that trick with myself that so many people do, I believed I could change the person, the past, the memory, and the situation.

Lessons learned, even if it hurt - I now listen a hell of a lot better at the start, and I speak up when things hurt. And, I refuse to live in the shadow of someone before me. I don’t mind baggage, hell I have an airline carousal of my own baggage, and I don’t mind issues (again, I have quite a few of my own) - but I won’t tolerate someone who is using me to get over someone else, and I won’t be someone’s second best.

I don’t choose to be worn out that way anymore.

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