Friday, January 8, 2010

Why did you come if you can't stay forever?

I Love You, But Goodbye (live) :: Langhorne Slim

"Who was I before you?
I can't remember
Why couldn't I have been the one to
Leave here first?

I love you, but goodbye."

Seems I'm always leaving something. Seems like I'm always having to let something go, or someone. Maybe it is the same for everyone, the passing of time, the inevitability of getting older, the way that paths veer off in opposite directions and the way that things, and people disappear. I don't know, perhaps this is all part of growing up.

I'm not always sure that I like it so much, though.

Loss is a tricky thing to deal with. It is sticky and wrought with hidden trap doors and thorns that come up and grab hold at unexpected moments. I know I've had those times when I felt I was over something, or someone; that I was finally free of the sadness and grieving that one has to go through when they suffer a loss. But then, like a surprise attack by someone lurking behind a dark alley and leaping out, I've been struck by the pain of it all once again.

Music does it sometimes. That song that triggers a time, a place, or a person, and suddenly part of you is there. But, part of you isn't anymore and that is when the pain hits. An aural ripping off of a bandage that still covers a wound, even if you thought it was long since healed over.

I had one of those such moments this morning hearing this song. I was remembering how things were and how things are now, and how sometimes you can love someone deeply and still have to say goodbye. Though, I suppose the sadness hit because we never really did agree to say goodbye, it was more of me fading into the distance as I've been known to do when I feel overwhelmed and as if I am in this will just destroy my heart in the end kind of place - maybe my disappearing was a goodbye.

It still hurts, though; even now it still hurts. No matter what I still miss it, I think I always will.

"What am I here for?
Who makes the decision?
For every beginning,
there must come an end.
I want to thank you darling,
for all that you've give,
I want to thank you, thank you,
for being my friend."

She said I love you, but goodbye."

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